cold stress

Well my stress level completely sky-rocketed yesterday morning when I woke up to pouring rain, dark clouds, and a little boy with green snot all over his nose, coughing and sneezing away.

I was instantly carried back to the 'meeting' I had with the ICU docs, and Gabrielle's team of doctors (BMT, respirology, Canuck Place, etc.) this June declaring her palliative and predicting that she may not make it through the winter with all the colds and flus that may hit her.


I dreamed of our warm summer weather...

I dreamed of moving my family to Maui or California where it's sunny and warm...


I thought back to last winter and how difficult it was for me.  I remembered staying up until the wee hours of the morning wiping and disinfecting every handle, door knob, toy, and washing sheets and pillow cases.  It still didn't work, and Gabrielle caught some colds that lasted quite a while with the last one putting her in the hospital for 10 days last February.

Monday our nurse walked out of the room with our sweet little girl who had NO TUBES on her little face.  We all danced around and cheered for her!  September 26th was the day that Gabrielle was to discontinue oxygen - a miracle as she was declared oxygen dependent.  She lasted about an hour and then wasn't able to keep her sats up past 90% so we put the oxygen back on.

Today she's been feeling off and we've had to increase her oxygen, but so far I've managed to keep her healthy.  Yes, it's difficult to keep her away from the boys, but even little Micky 'understands' that when he's not feeling well he's not allowed to kiss her, touch her or hug her.

I have to admit I was feeling very sorry for myself when I had to get Gabrielle away from the sick boys so I took her over to my parents for the late afternoon and where we stayed until Regan put the boys to bed.  I wanted to provide her with refuge from our cold-infested house.  But today I gave my head a good shake thinking of other families and people in far more dire and stressful circumstance than ours.  I started to feel grateful for everything I've been given in my life.  I thank the universe every day for the wonderful summer we've had with Gabrielle at home and hopefully many more months ahead.

I kissed Gabrielle and smelled her little head and neck.  I played with her and took in every little detail of her face and body.  I smiled and laughed when she babbled, and I held her little body so close to mine trying to capture in my mind every little thing about her...