Thursday, January 23, 2014

A big hole.

A big hole.  You have left a big, giant hole in our family and in our hearts Gabrielle.  It's a huge adjustment living life without you, and I want to record some of the ways in which we handle adjusting without you because everyday is difficult.

- We still have everything in our house just as it was the last day you were here.  We have had calls from several places asking for equipment to be returned, but I haven't answered any of them.  Not yet.  I can't.

- Your highchair is still in the kitchen as if you'll be back to have dinner with us.  On special occasions we light your candle and put it on your highchair and pull your highchair right up to the kitchen table.

- We all went out for dinner recently and the lady asked us 'for how many people tonight?' and I said 5.  Your brothers quickly corrected me and said "No for 6 mom, don't forget about Gabby."  "Oh right, for 6 please but we just need 5 chairs."  The waitress was so confused.

- We bring up your name about a thousand times a day.  When I have a minute away from the boys, I will come and lie down on the couch in your room and wrap myself up in your pink blanket and talk to you.  Your room hasn't changed one bit and I can't imagine a day when it will.

-  Some nights, I will pray for you to come and visit me in my dreams.  The other night I asked you to come and see me because I was missing you so much and in the morning it wasn't me you visited it was your brother James!

- When we take any group pictures, instead of yelling "cheese" we yell "Gabby".

- We continue to buy some of your favourite foods as they will forever remind us of you: Greek yoghurt and sweet potatoes.

- I look for signs from you everywhere and I'm learning that you are with me everyday.  Always.  I look for signs of you in the trees, in the sky while I'm walking, in the flowers and in the rainbows.  I see a little blond girl with curls, and I see you.

- James came home last night and walked up the stairs with a very different look on his face, one that I don't see that often.  It was a windy, clear night and we could see all the stars and on his way from the car to the house he looked up at the sky and said, "Mom, all the stars in the sky were kind of gray, but their was one really bright star that was looking right at me and I know it was Gabby".

- You continue to live through us Gabrielle.  In the empathy and compassion I feel towards other people, you live on.  In loving your brothers and your daddy, you live on.  In your cousins, aunts and uncles, and grandparents, you continue to live.  You continue to live on when I can bring hope to someone else or help someone.  You continue to live when I laugh and love others.  You, were nothing but love Gabrielle.  Thank you.