Gabrielle,
There have been a few small events that have happened in the last 24 hours and I am able to see you through new eyes. Today, Canuck Place celebrated 25 years of service and I was reminded of the first time I ever truly experienced hope, and that was upon arriving at Cancuk Place in the back of the ambulance with you. Today is the first day of December. The boys are excited about Christmas and I am excited to celebrate this month with them. A month of light leading up to the celebration of Christmas, the birth of Jesus. I think of you. I think of your light amidst the darkest, darkest days. You continued to shine and Christmas reminds me to slow down and to focus on the wonderment of you and life. I am also nearing the end of my year-long coursework on my journey to becoming a counsellor. Today in class we had class time to work on our final thesis project and my topic is surrounding your loss. My colleague suggested I do a study where I study myself and my experiences in losing you. It brought me to our blog where we so naively documented some of our time with you. I went through some of it tonight with a slightly different set of eyes and seeing you again broke me all over. You, my daughter, I saw you. I saw us. I saw the deep deep pain and the deep deep joy. I saw the suffering we endured together as I watched you slowly deteriorate before my eyes. The pain we put you through in the hospital and the love your brothers had for you. How I was chosen for this journey with you is something I will never understand. You were too good to be true. I love you so much my daughter and you are my reason for so much in this life.
Yours forever,
mom
My daughter was diagnosed with icell couple of months ago. She is my only child. Even though I knew something was wrong, this day, the day we got her diagnosis from the geneticist , it was the last pain free day of my life. Probably it was the last day of my life in general. I don’t think I will ever manage to be happy again even for a single minute. Your stories make me cry... Thank you
ReplyDeleteDear anonymous, My heart breaks in reading your words, I remember every single detail of diagnosis day. The pain is indescribable and your baby girl is going to change your life forever in ways you never imagined. I definetly recommend making sure you have good support and even a good counsellor to help you process your deep pain and grief as this journey will require so much. Love and hugs.
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