How do I ease my pain from the grief and sorrow? Nights are hard, so very hard. You were always the last one to go to bed. You insisted you stayed up with your Dad and I to ensure some quality time after a day with your nurses. Even though we were exhausted, we still happily lied beside you on the floor and played with you and you were so goofy and excited to have our undivided attention rolling from side to side smiling at both of us. It was so funny! We cherished those nights, even at the time, because we knew that one day they would end.
And they have. And I am missing my last little baby to put to bed. I am missing that long med routine and bed routine, and I miss standing above you at your crib and singing to you and kissing your soft skin under your chin. I miss your female energy in the house and your chitter chatter and giggles. We brought out your portable oxygen tank and your yellow blanket that you used to lie on, and we put it back where it was on the carpet in the living room. We still talk about you as if you are physically with us. I know you are still with us and we look for you everywhere.
This morning we were dancing to your new favourite song that we all unanimously agreed would get you rocking and rolling on your mat. When the grief becomes unbearable, the only tangible thing I have are your videos and pictures. Most nights, I sit at the computer pouring through every movie, every picture I have and cry tears. Then when I'm physically exhausted from crying, I force myself to bed and hope for dreams about you. I wake up in the middle of the night, and you are always the first one I think about. Right after you died we used to jump up in the middle of the night in a panic to go and check on you, then we remembered. And a blanket of sadness would envelop me.
Now, when I wake up I wonder about you in Heaven. In your new home.
As Michael said last night as he prayed to you that he hopes you're not scared in Heaven and not to worry because your great grandparents are there to take care of you. I know that you are basking in the most amazing love, a love so powerful and wonderful, that our material minds are not capable of imagining it for even a split second.
I see you in your brother's love, in your daddy's eyes, in a beautiful tree in the forest, in the way I feel when listening to a beautiful song that moves my soul, in the sound of the wind and in the waves at the ocean. I see you in the rainbow, in the rain storm and in a butterfly. I see you when I lie down in my bed and wrap myself up in your pink butterfly blanket. I see you in that deer at your Auntie Julie's house that keeps greeting us when we go for a visit. I see you Gabrielle and I know you are with us, in us, and a part of us.
I love you my sweet baby girl and I miss you with every breath, down to the very core of my being.