Saturday, November 9, 2013

Gosh Darnit, This is Good.

OK, this was weird. Tired of cable TV and just coming back from an emotionally intense children's hospice event where Amy and the boys lit a candle for Gabrielle in a beautiful, but gut-wrenching service, I turned on our Apple TV for the first time and typed in "grief" on YouTube, secretly hoping that something good would come up for Amy so I could look at my hockey pool standings in peace.

But this talk was really uncanny. It was as if I was listening to Amy talk... just a year or two from now. She even looks like Amy for crying out loud. But from her points about things getting "scorched" or going sideways to allowing ourselves to "sit with the sadness" and respect the process, I really think this is worth sharing, and sheds some light on the journey. Before Gabby passed I thought I got it, but you never really get it until you go through it, do you?

p.s. And as an aside, I liked how she said, "Grief is the best teacher there is, and that's where the messages come through."


  1. I had a friend and minister 'warn' me, as I was in the peak of my grief journey that it would,as this woman says - "come at you sideways"; to be prepared, especially, for our grief to present itself as anger at the most unexpected times. It was one of the few valuable things anyone was able to offer us at that time. The truth of grief visiting you in this way, even long after you think it should' be done was also a valuable insight. The other observation an acqatence offered me ( and it really, really hurt at the moment she shared it, but I recognized its truthfulness) is that 'it will never stop hurting, but it will become easier to live with
    Thanks for sharing another great commentary, Regan, It is so true, that you can't ever really 'get it' until you go through it, but this woman does a fine job of encapsulating the importance of giving space to the many faces of this horribly disregarded, yet most universal of human experiences.
    Thinking of You, Amy, Gabrielle and the boys often.

  2. Thanks for sharing this Regan. The one idea that hit me the most from this is learning to have compassion for yourself. I didn't know how to do that, and still don't. I burden myself with guilt everyday. Guilt is such a heavy pressing feeling. I felt guilty for grieving. I thought that grieving is what you do when you lose something. And I didn't lose, I gained a baby. So why should I grieve? And yet I couldn't deny it. I was grieving. Connecting with people like you made the burden lighter.

    I'm sure when Niko passes, I'll experience a different kind of grief all together. But the notion of having compassion for oneself is a very positive one. I have so much room for love and compassion for others, that I'm left with only guilt for myself. I'm glad to have this reminder to dole out a little compassion for myself too.