Out of my body

It's almost been 6 months since I last held Gabrielle.  Half a year?  Unbelievable.  It just struck me as I glanced at a bunch of pictures taken since June 7th and I see myself in these photos doing all sorts of things and I think to myself, "when did I do that?", and 'I can't believe I was able to do that".  Time and my life since Gabrielle died has been a story of survival.  I'm still here, I'm still breathing.  And there are moments in my days when I just can't believe it.

I was doing a workout Sunday morning and the exercise was super tough and I always think of my little girl whenever I feel something is difficult.  She gives me so much strength.  I started to think of her last moments with us and how hard that was for her and for us.  I know she didn't want to leave us but we kept whispering in her ear that we loved her so much and that is was ok for her to go.  Nothing will be harder.  Nothing is harder then saying goodbye to your child.  Everything I do from here on in in my life is easy, it's time and I get to fill my time doing meaningful things.  What Gabrielle did was hard and what she endured in her little life was anything but easy.  Of course, tears not sweat started rolling down my face and I quickly had to pull myself together.  I mean, who the hell starts crying in the middle of a workout?  How do I explain that without making people want to jump out of their skin and run away from me?

And then, I see these random pictures of myself and I can't help but think how the hell did I even get dressed to go and do that?  Outliving your own precious child becomes a story of survival.  I can only engage in activities that help my heart and soul to feel alive.

My body yearns for you Gabrielle.  My heart aches for you.  I love you so much sweet girl.  Life is such a mystery.  Such a huge giant mystery that your beautiful spirit is now a part of and that you have helped me to feel so much closer to.

You for sure would have been a soccer player just like your mamma:)