A treasure

I found this picture while looking for something else and I had to pull it up on my computer and sit and stare at it.  I love this picture.  I haven't seen this picture in a long time.  I have gone through our photos of Gabrielle so many times, that I think I know each one off by heart.  But this one was not in my picture folder and when I saw it, it made my heart skip a beat.  Like finding a really, really special treasure. It brings back such special sacred memories.  My little angel lying in my bed with James and I.  James has been really sad this past week missing his sister so this picture seems fitting.  But I always found these two lying side by side, he loved being close to Gabrielle. To say it is difficult living day to day missing your child is a complete understatement.  In fact, I'm constantly torn in sharing my journey in missing my angel because I find words just don't even come close to describing the way my heart feels.  Not even close.  

I love you my beautiful daughter.
xxoo

Canuck Place Adventure Challenge 2014 a success!!!

Thank you everyone for supporting us in this very special event to raise money for Canuck Place.  The day couldn't have been more beautiful down at Jericho Beach in Vancouver.

As a bereaved mom, I spend my time in two worlds.  One being with my boys and Regan and the other with Gabrielle.  I am filled with such joy as I get to watch the three boys grow and enjoy their lives and I am also filled with such sadness as I visit her daily in my day and imagine Gabrielle with us wherever we go.  It has been these 4 boys that have kept me breathing since she died. She would have loved being down at the beach with us, I can picture it so clearly.  We miss her so much.

So while I absolutely loved the race; kayaking in the beautiful ocean looking at the mountains, the downtown landscape, the beach and enjoying such a feeling of peace, to screaming through the trails feeling like a kid  again as I raced up and down the hills through the majestic trees to the final run where we cheered on the other competitors we saw, I finished with such a feeling of emptiness.  It was tough.

We got to see the kids at the transition point and they were so cute.  The looks of determination on their faces was the absolute best thing to see.  James was so excited and because of this experience can't wait for his next race.

I am so grateful for all the support we received from all of our family and friends.  Thanks to my beautiful sister Julie for joining me and wrapping her arms around me at the finish line.

Canuck Place provides the most wonderful care and I will continue to be involved with them.  My connection to them, is and always will be, paramount in my life.

Watch James' Fundraising Video for Canuck Place in Honour of Gabrielle

James, our 7 years old son, demanded we make a video and put it on the internet. He is participating in an outdoor adventure challenge to raise money for Canuck Place Children's Hospice in honour of his sister who passed away a year ago.


To make a donation please go to his fundraiser page. If that doesn't work you can make a donation in Gabrielle's name.

Happy 2nd Birthday Jonathan!

Happy 2nd birthday baby boy!  On the morning of your birthday I can't help but reflect on our last two years and all that we've been through as a family.  July 19th, 2012 feels like a million years ago...

About a week before you were born, your big sister got sick with a cold and was admitted to BCCH.
It appears that Gabrielle went to extreme measures just so she could make sure she was in the same building as you when you arrived in this world and once she was feeling better, your Dad would sneak her down to your room so that you could visit with one another.

They were very good to Jonathan and I and they let us stay 4 days until Gabrielle was healthy enough to come home.  The four of us, left the hospital together and were greeted by two very thrilled brothers waiting at home!  I remember the feeling of strapping both of you into your car seats with a little girl who was squealing with happiness and with a round, chubby beautiful baby boy who I couldn't believe was mine.  Oh the feelings of joy I felt, leaving the hospital with my two babies and bringing them home to their big brothers.  Life was grand and our family was complete.

Having you felt like a completely different experience.  I had the confidence and calm of an experienced mother but I marvelled at the absolute miracle of a new baby in a way that I never had before.  Your sister taught me not to take anything in this life for granted and I saw you with a completely different set of eyes, and I have no one but Gabrielle to thank for that.  Your sister has enriched our lives in a way that I never ever in a million years could have imagined.

1 day old

Our first family picture at the hospital.  

Home at last!

Our summer at home in the backyard

First birthday 

2nd birthday 

At 2 years old you love...

* playing soccer
* trying to keep up with your big brothers
* dogs
* jumping on the trampoline
* your bottle and blanket
* making us laugh.

Thank you for all the joy you have brought to our lives in a very difficult and dark time.  You have reminded us that we need to keep living when many days we felt like we couldn't.  Your sister's spirit is alive in you Jonathan, I see it everyday.  We love you so much.  Happy Birthday baby boy.

Happy 5th Birthday Michael!

When you were just 15th months your beautiful baby sister arrived in this world.  From the moment she was born, we were filled with an overwhelming love and grief as we tried to understand the cruel set of cards our little Gabrielle was dealt.  You being so young and still a baby yourself was always by your little sisters side.  You used to call her "Gabyelle" and you loved to lie beside her and I always marvelled at your gentle nature with her.  You loved your sister who was just a year behind you, who should have followed in your footsteps for many years longer.  You two would have been in preschool together last year and only a year apart in school.  You were an amazing, gentle, kind brother to your little sister.

Happy 5th birthday Michael.  You have been through so much in your short life and we are so proud of you.  You have your sister's spirit alive and strong in you and I know how proud she is of the 5 year old you have become.  We love you our strong, brave, crazy, energetic, 'wears his heart on his sleeve' Mickey!

At 5 years old you love:

* being woken up in the morning by Jonny
* Jonny
* Ice cream at the beach
* Soccer
* Make believe play: sabre tooth tigers, ninjas, power rangers
* When Daddy doesn't talk in accents

* Knowing where everyone in his family is at all times

Newborn baby

First birthday and pregnant with Gabby.

2nd birthday at Canuck Place

3rd birthday card from Gabrielle

3rd birthday on the balcony outside Gabby's room at BCCH the night before your baby brother was born.

Icing lips

4th birthday party at home 

4th birthday boy