reflection

I am so grateful we have this blog.  Whenever I need some connection to Gabrielle, this is one place where I can turn to.  I can watch the videos, gaze at her pictures and remember my little girl.

Since reading and reflecting some things have become more clear to me.  As I was reading my post about grieving a normal life, I know now what I was trying to say.

I didn't want her to die.  That's what I was grieving.

I didn't want her to suffer with her horrible disease.  That's what I was grieving.

I wanted to protect her  brothers from the sadness of losing their sibling who they were so incredibly close with.  That's what I was grieving.

I wanted to protect my daughter from all the unfairness that her disease brought to her.  I wasn't able to. Instead, I had to prepare myself to one day say good bye.  That's what I was grieving.

How do you say good bye to your child forever?

How do you hold her hand and kiss her face as they take their last breath?

How do you live the rest of your life without them there?

That's what I was grieving.

Our last family photo with Gabrielle.

RIP Charlie

A little boy Charlie lost his fight with I-cell this morning and we are so deeply saddened by this loss.  I found out the news while laying on the couch in the bright sun this afternoon and I just layed there and cried.  I cried for Charlie's parents because the pain is all too unbearable.  Charlie's sister Amber also had I cell disease and passed away last May, a month before Gabrielle.  And just like Gabrielle, he seemed to be doing so well.  So happy and strong and on a roll, just like our little girl.  No parent should ever experience this pain, and this young couple is experiencing this pain again.  It breaks me up.  It's just not right.

RIP Charlie.  You are running free now, free of pain and free of I-cell disease.  I will pray for your mommy and daddy as they try to learn to live without you.  They will miss you terribly.  Please pray for this family as they grieve and try to make sense of losing both their children.

Charlie and Amber

We Still Miss You Gabby

Caring for Strangers

I stumbled upon this video today and it made me think of my little girl and how many strangers felt because of her. Whether it was meeting strangers at the hospital or Canuck Place, or hearing from perfect strangers we never met through this blog or letters or drop-by's, Gabrielle made people care ... and that, I think, made people feel good and alive.

You go from having a little girl that who brings out the real in people to ... well ... normal and boring and empty. There's something wrong with that. This artist is on to something.

A big hole.

A big hole.  You have left a big, giant hole in our family and in our hearts Gabrielle.  It's a huge adjustment living life without you, and I want to record some of the ways in which we handle adjusting without you because everyday is difficult.

- We still have everything in our house just as it was the last day you were here.  We have had calls from several places asking for equipment to be returned, but I haven't answered any of them.  Not yet.  I can't.

- Your highchair is still in the kitchen as if you'll be back to have dinner with us.  On special occasions we light your candle and put it on your highchair and pull your highchair right up to the kitchen table.

- We all went out for dinner recently and the lady asked us 'for how many people tonight?' and I said 5.  Your brothers quickly corrected me and said "No for 6 mom, don't forget about Gabby."  "Oh right, for 6 please but we just need 5 chairs."  The waitress was so confused.

- We bring up your name about a thousand times a day.  When I have a minute away from the boys, I will come and lie down on the couch in your room and wrap myself up in your pink blanket and talk to you.  Your room hasn't changed one bit and I can't imagine a day when it will.

-  Some nights, I will pray for you to come and visit me in my dreams.  The other night I asked you to come and see me because I was missing you so much and in the morning it wasn't me you visited it was your brother James!

- When we take any group pictures, instead of yelling "cheese" we yell "Gabby".

- We continue to buy some of your favourite foods as they will forever remind us of you: Greek yoghurt and sweet potatoes.

- I look for signs from you everywhere and I'm learning that you are with me everyday.  Always.  I look for signs of you in the trees, in the sky while I'm walking, in the flowers and in the rainbows.  I see a little blond girl with curls, and I see you.

- James came home last night and walked up the stairs with a very different look on his face, one that I don't see that often.  It was a windy, clear night and we could see all the stars and on his way from the car to the house he looked up at the sky and said, "Mom, all the stars in the sky were kind of gray, but their was one really bright star that was looking right at me and I know it was Gabby".

- You continue to live through us Gabrielle.  In the empathy and compassion I feel towards other people, you live on.  In loving your brothers and your daddy, you live on.  In your cousins, aunts and uncles, and grandparents, you continue to live.  You continue to live on when I can bring hope to someone else or help someone.  You continue to live when I laugh and love others.  You, were nothing but love Gabrielle.  Thank you.